In yesterday’s blog I talked about my session with Jamie Walters. One of the things she asked me to do was make a list of things that make me angry and things that break my heart.
Those were really great lists.
But I also wanted to do another list. It was a list of things that make me go numb. Because one of the things I’ve noticed is that in the most damaged parts of us its as if we are dead.
In one of my all time favourite books, The Drama of the Gifted Child, world renowned psychotherapist Alice Miller talks about how we kill off the parts of ourselves that we learn are unacceptable. These are some of the most difficult aspects of self to resurrect. The night before last I dreamt I was prising open the jaws of hell, massive molten hot rock, to rescue a small child trapped inside. A good dream, potently transformative.
It’s actually pretty much impossible to know what makes us go numb. It’s like a black hole in there, no light escapes and we are literally unconscious.
But I was watching a video on YouTube last week and came across the idea of fatalism. You know how everyone says we should be living in the moment? We’ll here’s a trick for young players.
I’m not going to embed the video because it goes for over an hour, but here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LDwdyIxRy0
In the video, psychologist Philip Zimbado explains that there are three possibilities for living in the present moment.
The first one is to be enjoying each moment. He calls these people the Hedonists. These are the sex, drugs and rock and roll people who live for the moment.
The second is a more integrated spiritual experience, being in the flow if you like.
The third, and this is the one that caught my attention, is what Zimbado calls the Fatalists. And the Fatalist inner dialogue goes something like this: “Why should I bother, nothing ever works out for me. Why should I make an effort to succeed or improve my life in any way, it won’t change anything. Nothing ever changes for me.” Sounds like Eyore, right? (And personally, I think there is more than a slight link between the Hedonists and the Fatalists)
At first I thought, oh yes I know people like that. But it got in under my skin and I started to see where I had been traumatised in my approach to life and had begun to play dead, where I had become a fatalist! It astonished me to suddenly see this so clearly.
I’ll give you an example. Growing up I felt like a freak. My ideas about life and how it worked were so different to how everyone else seemed to understand things that I learned to keep my mouth shut. With one gate in an undefined Throat and that being the Gate of Blurting I became terrified of even opening my mouth for fear of what might come out.
Even now my family don’t have much idea what I do and would prefer to keep it that way thank you very much. Anytime I venture a comment or opinion I experience a violent resistance (not physically violent, but verbally and emotionally)
The result of that for me was that I developed a deep and abiding sense that I had nothing of value to offer anyone. My blog has been a way to slowly unravel my perceptions and my ability to communicate them to appreciative others (and thank you so much for being a part of that process).
It has been impossible for me to create any product. Be it webinars, teleseminars, books, even articles. Every time I sit down and say “Right, now I’m going to put my ideas together and create a teleseminar/article/whatever” I just ….. well, I go numb. And nothing comes out. The amount of material floating around in my brain waiting to come out nearly drives me crazy some days.
And so to the idea of Fatalism. The death of the innocent and magically creative child within.
What if it did matter? What if things could be different? What if what I want to offer is of value? What if I could succeed?
As we move out of the fatalism field, suddenly our actions have consequences because they do matter and we can create change. We really can! At a time when people all around the globe are calling this a time of emergency, that’s a vitally important step forward.
These are perfect questions for today (Venus activating old emotional trauma around our value to others, and Saturn in the Gate of Success, Serendipity and Determination). You might like to ask them as well. Here they are again.
What if it did matter? What if things could be different? What if what I want to offer is of value? What if I could succeed?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I wanted to let you know today how grateful I am for your writings here. Every day this blog is one of the first things I check in the morning. Many times I have no clue what you’re even saying, but reading your words is like music inside me. I feel that reading here is helping me transform.
And I wanted to say so, especially today, because what you wrote is exactly what I’ve been struggling with over the last few days. Being a screw up, ruining everything, just needing to stay here, frozen, NUMB, to prevent me from ruining lives and causing pain. And at the same time realizing I’m absolutely terrified of success so I have quite a bit of stock in keeping myself in this numb place where I can get nothing done and have no clue where to start or what to do so I sit. Terrified to move, terrified to breathe because it will be wrong. Thank you so much for giving me another angle to approach all of this from. I was feeling kind of stuck but I can feel things starting to unravel now a bit more.
With much gratitude!
Kathryn
AMEN to that Kim! I cannot describe how much I look forwrd to your blog entries everyday. Your commentary gives and elegant and introspective voice to energetic shifts I feel but have trouble describing myself. I hope you know the people who appreciate your work vastly outnumber the discouragers and there are people who find your words to be invaluable gems!
Regards
-Cody
Thanks Cody and Kathryn. Its true, we are really supporting each other through these potentially wordless experiences in a frozen waste. I’m so honoured to be part of your lives.
Yes, I agree with all of the above. Thanks for sharing, and as before, I glimpse reflections of my own life in your writings, you often echo the little voice within. This is all about taming the ugly dragons of resentment, jealousy etc… and transforming them into lovable pet lizards or whatever. You have certainly shown you are worth a lot, frozen waste or not…
Ever on the angels’ path.
Ólöf´s last blog ..POINTS
Super Wouah Kim!! What a beautiful enquiry this is! You are such a precious mirror to me! I feel so touched! Thank you! Hearfully. Hali
Hali! Carole. You and Olof brighten my everyday with your beautiful words on the angel path!
Hi Kim… don’t you dare to doubt that what you offer is of unmeasurable value… as said above, it’s music inside… but just for those who can listen to; a distinct flavor, but for refined taste… the way you write with intimacy, all this new language of HDS that you make it fell like a fairy tale, our adventures in wonderland Earth… it’s just that you are a little ahead of your time, even HDS learning with all crossed layers of Sedna and other small planets… even if you might fail where others succeed, be sure that you succeed where others fail… what you unconditionally give, the Universal Flow brings back to you… double!!… I share so much of this post, specially being a projector 4.6 with undefined throat, questioning myself if what I have to offer is of value, doing any kind of stuff against my true self just to get attention and (wrong) recognition of others… and numb, stucked in a dead zone, its also a comfy place sometimes our mind like to stay there… fatalism… many many thanks Kim, your words are like a beacon on dry land to me, and even living in the other side of the planet, I fell like being part of your community, maybe this is the state that is coming next on Earth
light, peace, love
dani
Kim, I am very much in spirit with Kathryn posted; I might not always fully understand the information from your post but for sure your blog is keeping me company every morning while I am drinking my coffee, offering a good insight on what happens beyond the Maya’s veil, empowering me by fact that I am not alone,that my life drama moments,my dreams or my unaswering questions, my happy moments, my moments of doubt are shared by you Kim and by all your readers.
Please continue your work, have faith and trust and don’t doubt, you are important to our lives!
With much appreciation and Love
Corina
You have also described my family and my reactions to them. Their level of fear in this world cannot be taken lightly as it has motivated them to some stupendous lows. While love, I believe, is truly the way to go there are those who are not yet ready for it. So for those who are, and their ranks are slim, it is time to be what you came here to be. Being ahead of one’s time has never been easy but somebody has to do it. In the words of Joseph Campbell, “Jump.”
I truly wasn’t expecting all these beautiful comments so thank you all for your amazing loving support, it has very much warmed my heart.
Do you know I rang my mum yesterday, we get on very well as I have acknowledged the truth of our relationship and what allowances I need to make. And she was looking at my blog. As far as I know my mum never ever reads my blog. And I was thinking to say this today on my blog but I’ll do it here. I had a fantastic childhood with much love and nurturing and a whole lot of adventure and fun. It was just this part of me that got trapped in the dark and it’s coming up now, finally sniffing the fresh breeze and saying ‘you know against all expections, I think this life could actually be good!’ A release from the ’stupendous lows’ (lol Chelangel I love that)
Again, thank you all for your beautiful comments. I’m sure I’ll come back and read them over and over again. I am so very sure that we are connecting on a global level and those of us who do see beneath the maya as you say Corina, who do walk on the earth as if it is a fairy tale (so true Dani), are coming together in very magical and profound ways.
Blessings to us all!!!
Kim´s last blog ..What if it did matter?
Dearest Kim,
Oh that I had met your sooner on my path in HDS. Glad I have done now. It was through a friend of someone I gave a reading to in Geneva many years ago who is a reflector. I never heard back from her but this mutual friend told me it had helped her immensely and then took me to your website and blog, which has been helping her ever since. Off-line for the past few days I have just gorged myself on some of your latest entries and this one in particular has touched my heart. I am a mental projector (43-23, 1/3 profile) so immediately resonated on a very deep level about blurting, family – and like you I felt unheard but very much loved and enjoyed a wonderful childhood. I love the way you tie it all together this HD stuff. It has re-kindled my interest and I will be a regular reader from now on. Thank you for this entry in particular it has really stimulated me even more than anything previously to step out of that old skin (49- molting in German I am told) part of my cross of Explanation which has gotten me into so much trouble and resulted in so much numbness that it was only when you put your finger on it that I could recognize it in fatalistic self. Telling a mental projector that they have no strategy to help them out interestingly only compounded this for me! And what I have learnt over my 7 years just completed is that what I can trust is what my mind and heart and body resonate with at the same time. It is a sort of global “yes”. If there is the slightest hesitation or question then I know I have to wait. I am not sure this is the place to write all this but wanted to make contact and also say “keep on trucking” you are on the right path for me and many others… what you say does matter to more people than you will ever know as it plays itself out in the world through us all.
with love,
Mary
Mary thank you so much for sharing that with me! I feel I’m blundering around (with great subtlety, delicacy and precision of course!) trying to find the ground to walk on. I’m sure I’m not the lone ranger there though! These reflections and sharings are precious.
Do you know, that Projector thing with having no strategy .. well I have my channel of doubt and my 58/18/48/16 formidable splenic eye firmly on it. I know it’s ridiculous but I just don’t know how and why yet!
One thing about it is this. Most projectors are manifesting generators if we look at all the multidimensional layers. Some are not, and some even remain projectors. But for most, sticking with that general projector strategy often blocks the spiritual and/or emotional layers (because that’s where the sacral, etc is defined and where you naturally respond from) or plays out early conditioning (which shows up in the post natal layer). So if that makes sense I’m glad!
If you would like your multidimensional charts just shoot me an email with your birth details and I’ll send them out to you.