This is a ‘retro post’, one of a collection I’m considering including in a book. Enjoy!
30th December 2010
Many years ago, when I moved up to the North Coast, I went to see a spiritual healer. As I’d been terrified to see a tarot card reader less than 12 months before, this was a big step up in the ‘alternative’ stakes for me. I lay on the table feeling quite apprehensive, not knowing what to expect, and the healer placed her hands on my stomach. Then she looked at me and said ‘you’ve had a very sad childhood’. I burst into tears that turned into sobbing. I completely lost it. What was most surprising to me when I thought about it later, was that I’d always thought I had a happy childhood. But there was no mistaking the energy that burst out of me that morning.
A year or so later I had a colonic and the woman was looking at the … results .. lol! … as they passed through the clear tube and said to me ‘there was a lot of sadness in your childhood’ and apart from being amazed at how she could get that information (something to do with stress hormones creating particular colours) again I was struck by the sense of hidden truth in what she said. I was very ill and not about to ignore any potential clues back then. About that time I spent almost a year crying. I wondered if I would ever stop.
Alice Miller, the iconic child psychotherapist, was prompted to write her book The Drama of the Gifted Child (which I cried all the way through the first time I read it), by her curiosity over why some children recover well from appalling trauma and others have relatively mild experiences and never get over them. Over many years of observation she discovered that those who recovered had one thing in common. They had someone – and it only needed to be one person – who said to the child ‘what happened to you is not okay’. This allowed the child to understand that they had experienced something abusive. It doesn’t need to be appalling abuse, as Miller so brilliantly explains, it can be as little as a harsh voice or an angry glance that has us retreating into ourselves. She found that the children who did not have anyone to reflect the harsh nature of their experiences to them were lost in a sea of confusion where the world was unsafe and no one could truly be trusted.
These inner children, the one’s who have never heard that trusted voice, are stirring within us. These are the inner selves who never got to grow up because they were so traumatised. And no one came to their rescue. Instead of pointing out to them that the experience(s) they had were hurtful, shaming, humiliating, belittling, abusive, painful, they were told to toughen up and get on with it. But these inner children are all heart and clear light. Toughening up wasn’t an option and they had no alternative but to withdraw and protect themselves as best they could. They became our shadow, and were demonised. That sad child inside me had not found a pathway to happiness, and had essentially given up searching for something that she had come to believe was just a fantasy.
These lost aspects of self are not just from this lifetime, in fact it seems to me that they are marching through the veils of time to be here now. Pluto in the Gate of Joy in Capricorn is calling those Cancerian children home.
Until now their shadow has been playing out in our day to day reality and while we may not have been re-creating those experiences in ways we are conscious of, as a species we have gradually created culture that reflects the relationship between abuser and abused. We have done this because over many human lifetimes we got lost on our way to experiencing true love.
As I said in yesterday’s post, Saturn is the circus ringmaster just now. Saturn was traditionally known as the Lord of Karma. Till March 2011 he’s connected to the Lunar Nodes, creating a strong karmic influence in our lives. Saturn is in Libra, a sign that encompasses who we love and who we hate. Or more precisely, what we seek to learn about ourselves in a positive way and what we believe we must learn in a negative way. As I wrote yesterday, this is creating a profound integration of self that goes well beyond this one lifetime, gathering ancestral memories held in the body, plus experiences of past lives.
There’s two things in particular supporting this shift. One is dwarf planet Ceres in Gate 60 – Limitations – in the Root Centre and the other is Sedna in Gate 23 – Splitting Apart – in the Throat Chakra. They are both in the central integrative column in the Human Design Chart. In the Kaballah, this central column integrates duality. It weaves together the energies that we perceive as feminine and masculine as a means of physical manifestation.
Ceres is in Gate 60 in the Root Chakra from Christmas Day till 11th January. This gate deals with the limitations that we experience when we want to birth something at the material level, as our ideal vision descends through to the physical density for manifestation. There are two kinds of limitations – those we impose on ourselves out of fear, and the natural limitations that support perfect manifestation. Just now we are learning to distinguish between the two and it’s not always an easy task!
Ceres is a dwarf planet that represents the development of self worth as a basis for forming relationship. Ceres transits can activate deep feelings of loss and grief and can also indicate old stories and our neurotic reactions when they are triggered. On the positive side, Ceres is always pointing us towards healing and wholeness, a place where we have a healthy approach to our own self care and nourishment. She has a particular effect on the way we might use food or not eating as a compensation.
Just now Ceres is encouraging us to move beyond our conditioned stories of limitation in our relationships, to loosen up and try new things. And at the core of Cere’s message right now is that the more we engage in self-care the more love and care we will have for others, and the better our relationships will be.
One particular point, in the central integrative channel, Ceres is letting us know that we are not able to manifest what we want into physical reality just now unless we open more fully to both our masculine and feminine aspect.
My deeper intuitive sense is that she is clearing ages old conflict over who is the ultimate ‘creator’ or void – the feminine or masculine – God or Goddess – egg or sperm. In our own personal world we may be experiencing this as a conflict between following our intuition and going within or taking decisive goal oriented action. Actually just now, we are learning how these two aspects of self need to work as a team.
She moves so slowly, out there past Pluto with an orbital period of 11,000 years! Sedna moved into Gate 23 in the Throat Centre in June 2004 and will stay there until June 2014. This means we will notice her only when a faster moving planet triggers her influence.
- the return of a sacred earth based goddess consciousness
- choosing to resist cultural roles and norms
- allowing a deep dissolution and transformation that may trigger a fear of death
- letting go of frozen aspects of self, especially in our emotions
- having a naive view of life and not wanting to grow up
- feeling trapped or enclosed and having to do the work to become self reliant and get free
- fear of aging
- fear of committing to relationships or even to being here on earth
- fear of hurt and rejection of true self
- a vanity and self concern that cuts us off from others in our family or tribe
- attempts to use others for our own purposes
- disrespect towards natural limitations of the earth’s resources into account
With Venus triggering Sedna at the moment I would be focusing on our fear of being trapped, growing older, feeling limited in relation to our ability to create beauty, grace, harmony and loving relationships in our lives. In Gate 23.3, Sedna is dissolving even our old bones (structure) and turning them into something more useful, stripping away what is no longer constructive in our lives. We are learning to be supple and graceful and to release rigid strength that is crippling.
Both Venus and Sedna are in line 3 today, so it’s a good day to thresh around a bit and explore some new options. This channel can bring sudden and unexpected shifts in our understanding. Again, these gates are in the central integrative channel and so they are asking that we open to a more mature and open relationship between dualities, and to our feminine and masculine creative powers as they seek to work together. Inner and outer, action and stillness, moving forward without rushing, allowing the universe to provide partners and co-creating miraculous outcomes.