Postponing My US Trip
Back in 1990, when I was a 29 year old lawyer, I was running a small and fairly unimportant case in one of the modern Sydney courtrooms built inside the shell of a old sandstone building. It was all fancy lighting and maroon carpets and slick timber tables. I don’t remember finishing the case, although I assume I did. What I do remember is waking up hours later to find myself sitting quietly and all alone in a darkened room, and wondering where I was.
The floor lighting, all the light I could see, filled the room with a maroon glow from the richly coloured carpet. Back in the womb again perhaps? Or maybe I was dead? The thought did occur to me.
As I slowly began to move I remembered. I was in a coutroom. I wondered if the court ushered noticed me there, and perhaps thought I was catching a quick nap between cases? I managed to get myself outside to a payphone – this was years before mobile phones – and rang my boss. I expect I sounded very odd. He told me to go outside to the street and wait, he was ringing a taxi to take me home. I spent the next 12 months sleeping, and didn’t work again for many years.
I still don’t know what happened that day. I wasn’t alone. My doctor didn’t know, and the neurologist who ran a series of tests on me suggested I go home to bed and hope I recovered. He had nothing else to offer me. To this day I can remember the confused look on his face. I was eventually diagnosed with a brand new type of illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It helped to have a name, but I spent many years being treated badly by doctors, even one dentist abused me! No one really had any idea what to do, it was as if everyone just hoped I’d recover.
Over the years I spent tens of thousands of dollars on various therapies. For a few years – around the time of this photo – I cried a lot … a lot! That seemed to help, at least as much as anything else on offer. I’ve just read an article by the doctor who was my treating specialist back in the 90’s. He says we are still at least a decade off understanding what causes CFS. Thank goodness for Human Design!!
When I discovered Human Design in 2003 it gave me a very … very .. important clue. I could relax, respond, wait. It also filled me with a passionate longing to explore something that I truly felt I would never grow bored with. I can get bored very quickly, so this was a bonus. This idea of responding rather than initiating filled me with a new hope. Perhaps life would lead me to something that made sense, something truly fulfilling, somewhere that a difficult and unusual person like me could find acceptance.
From that time on my health improved dramatically. However, I have been managing rather than flying free. I just forgot I was managing because it became the norm for me.
In October I started to feel a bit more tired than usual. My house got more untidy, the dishes stacked up more often. Menopause perhaps? Living with a teenager? Or just overdoing things? In mid December I hit a wall. I couldn’t avoid it, I had to accept that I was back in the world of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
It was very different this time around. I don’t have any underlying viral infections these days, and I’m emotionally stable. It’s not scary or overwhelming the way it was. After all these years of being authentic, emotionally clear, grounded in each moment, it’s down to this. It’s all about getting my physical body healthy. I believe that Jupiter retrograde in Gate 16 has triggered this last layer of the illness to come to the surface for healing. It’s the most difficult layer for me, as I have an undefined Spleen.
So I am still fine to teach online, and do sessions. What I can’t do though, is come to the US to teach in June as I’d planned. I waited till the end of January to see how I was progressing before I posted details of my trip and opened registrations. I’ve decided that I don’t want to put that pressure on myself at this stage.
My idea was always that it would be an annual trip for me. I’m so excited about the idea of coming and spending time with you all, doing face to face teaching and sessions. It’s just that the plan has changed and the annual trips will begin in 2014! I am still planning to teach in Mumbai India in September 2013.
I feel that it’s important to share my story. It’s important for us all to share the reality of our lives, to mitigate against the ongoing media campaign for perfection and constant achievement. And I know that Jupiter in 16 has cause a lot of physical illness for many people. Between Pluto and Jupiter, the fears embedded in the Spleen Centre have been pushing their way to the surface. Jupiter is going retrograde in a few days. I’m writing a post about it now, and I expect many, like me, may breathe a sigh of relief. But I can’t deny the huge gift he’s brought to me in the past few months. I’m going to be completely well, with all four of my motors switched on!
And while I feel sad and disappointed about postponing my US trip, I can only feel happy and excited about the possibilities we have before us.
My best to you Kim. Honesty and healing…it’s all good:)
Dear Kim,
I know what’s it like to have a disease coming back,
it brings all sorts of mixed feelings.
Take your time to recover, you have plenty of time.
Love,
Maaike
Blessings to you kim… love and healing on the tide to you… with ease and grace this too shall pass x00x
Dear Kim,
As you know I also have to lean into the challenge of CFS. Blessings to you in your healing process and lots of love and light to you.
Love, Susan
Hello Kim,
I too have endured the condition of CFS. For me, the restoration came when I chose to learn and experience Reiki. My thinking at the time was, if I’m losing my energy (which I actually felt draining out of my feet), then I need to reconnect and restore that source of human energy. That phrase “human energy” was what lead me to the spiritual source/self, our true essence. My spleen spoke to me for years, even in youth, representing the “How Dare You” indignation that I carried, from sources unknown, to the point that I could no longer stand up for myself, and thus the collapse. The physical exhaustion, in my experience, came from emotional sources. The healing came from restoring my soul.
I hope something here is helpful.
With Love and highest regards.
somehow… even before i started reading the post, i knew you would not have cancelled your trip to india.
for me, it means it is divinely destined.
and i truly, deeply, feel we should do a trip to the himalayas. and rishikesh (don’t know why rishikesh comes up)
let me know, kim.
i suddenly feel a different connection with you…or rather… there is a different kind of reverbrations i feel, now, as i think of you.
love/b.
WISHING YOU A FAST RECOVERY DEAR KIM! HOPE TO SEEING YOU NEXT YEAR! <3
Thank you so much for such a clear description of experiences I share. Claire Beynon introduced me to your blog and alerted me to this post. I really take heart in reading of your being back in the world of CFS, in a different way. The notion of being spirited away from one’s life is one I am exploring or allowing to come and inform me. Wishing you well, admiring your wisdom and willingness to pass it on.
You’re the best- Kim…
As Hylonome in my Gate 16.2 is being ever so hugely highlighted by mighty Jupiter’s vibes- I am gently reminded (by you and my own inner processes) how to navigate the profound sense of “loss” she brings up in me – AND I am now too focusing on her Gifts beyond the shadow- “The feeling of not being able to go on because of a profound emotional loss is assigned to Hylonome- her effort ultimately is to end Grief…” She has indeed been working hard (partnered with my Mars AND Psyche in Gate 9.2.)
xo
Carolyn
How wonderful to share your comments, thank you all. I am having massage each week from a Reiki Master (thanks for the suggest Linda), and weekly acupuncture/chinese medicine and I have someone doing my cleaning. My lesson has been to call in the help I need! A doctor once asked me what I did to heal myself the first time and I told him I found out what I was sulking about and fixed it. No more sulks! Without wanting to trivialise the illness, there is a clear if complex energetic structure to it. Eros is a key, as is Hylonome (as you so wisely say Carolyn). Biren, we are definitely on for September!
MaryLinn, welcome. It’s so important to share our experiences.
love to you all
Thanks for sharing your story! I was diagnosed last summer with hypothyroidism. After all these years of practicing S&S, taking care of myself, responding…THIS???Really??? I have a very open design including open spleen. Thanks for bringing some of the puzzle pieces together:) xxlove.
Dear Kim
I’m sure lots of people will be disappointed but they will also be so pleased that you have decided to put your own self care first. Not many of us do so – you have set us all a great example.
All the best.
Jeanette
Beautiful post Kim. You know I love your transparency. And yep, went thru my own mysterious illness phase as well. And with my defined spleen, it was quite the interesting journey. Did you read my blog post “life or death”. I describe how clearly I felt the choice. I always feel good when I read your stuff. Thank you for being you!
Sending much love Kim on your healing journey. Many good wishes for your recovery. Also many thanks for the service you give us all in our global community with your beautiful, insightful and inspiring blogs. Thinking of you. Lots of love.